life that is… sometimes it really does stink. right now, and for most of the summer, life has turned into a blah-fest. i’m not unhappy, per se, it just seems like there’s been so much turmoil over the last several months and it is taking its toll on me.
my sleep patterns are a mess, to me anyway. it’s tough getting to sleep and then i still make myself get up early to be at work by or before 7am. i haven’t been dancing as much as i’d hoped, and now that school started again, i’ve completely lost dancing on mondays.
the situation with my mom is really stressful, really, really stressful. it’s not just her either, it’s my dad. he drives me absolutely nuts; i can go from being cool and calm to being completely pissed in seconds when in his presence. mom really doesn’t handle stress very well at all (we’ve known this) but now, it’s even more noticeable. most things are overwhelming to her.
having my best friend sick too just really sucks.
some days the combination of them, and everything else going on with school and work, my family, and my car seems overwhelming.
i know things won’t always be like this… it just seems like i’ve been in a funk for months. nothing really excites me these days.
Why are relationships so challenging? I ask this as I observe several around me in turmoil.
For me, it seems obvious… they simply won’t work if BOTH people aren’t invested and willing to do the work. But so often, it seems there’s an unequal amount of investment from the parties involved and this leads to confusion, hurt feelings, loneliness, and disillusionment, among many other emotions.
Are we destined to be in pain, if paired-up? Or choose a life of singlehood in an attempt to avoid the pain, only to find pain in that very state.
This year’s annual event was great! I think there was something like 40 people packed in and around the one paddock reserved for SBN’ers. Sunday was hot, but not completely unbearable, and they were running the track in counter-clockwise configuration which is uber awesome! Stompy performed great, as expected, and by the end of the day I was wiped-out, but looking forward to one more day of riding.
We (Chris, BV, Jun, and I) missed the big SBN dinner at Willow Ranch in favor of sammiches from Subway and chillin’ at the motel. We did this, not because we didn’t want to hang with the group, but because we still had another day to ride and we didn’t want to eat such a heavy meal.
After a night’s sleep which included me being bitten by a mysterious cat in my motel room (the story is best told in-person), the four of us were off to ride again.
Day 2 had BW being run in it’s more traditional clockwise configuration which is fun, but not as much fun (for me) as is CCW. I had Stompy’s new shoes put on, so in addition to the CW configuration, I was riding more conservativly than I coulda because I was scrubbing-in new tires. Yeah, I probably ride too conservatively for too long when on new tires, but oh well… better to err on the side of safety.
Home by about 9pm, we got Chris and Jun to help us unload the bikes, which is great for me because I hate it when it’s just me n BV by ourselves unloading 2 bikes that weigh over 350lbs. each.
Recovery wasn’t as bad as it usually is, I wasn’t nearly as sore as I usually am after 2 days of riding. Either it’s because I wasn’t riding very hard, or, my body is becoming adjusted to the abuse, or, it had something to do with the Perfect water Jay gave me. I dunno what it was, but I was both pleased and dismayed to not be uber sore for 3 days after riding 2 days.
A few weeks ago, I went to Glen Ivy in Corona with two other Dirty Girls. Despite the incredibly hot conditions, we had a great time. It was my first time there so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect; I’d heard the place had numerous pools, some with different purposes, plus, there was the mud.
After breakfasting at Tom’s Farm, by the way it was WAY hot; we drove over to Glen Ivy. Once we got checked-in, we stowed our stuff in lockers, doused ourselves in sunscreen, and headed out to experience the mud. I must admit it was a lot of fun covering myself in mud (the skin not covered with bathing suit, got covered with mud). Then we sat in a “dry” room for about 30 minutes while the mud dried enough so that we could start rubbing it off. This effort is what exfoliates the skin… and oh my gosh, my skin definitely felt noticeably softer after getting the dried mud off and taking a quick shower. (there may be a picture of the three of is, in all our muddy glory, in my gallery)
Our next stop was The Grotto where (for an additional fee) we each got painted with a warm green aloe and sea kelp substance which is supposed to moisturize the skin. This stuff is like a thick lotion; we were instructed to let it soak-in for about fifteen minutes and then rinse it off. Another shower, to wash off said green moisturizing substance, and it was time to head back outside and find a chaise lounge to…well, lounge on, of course.
I once again doused myself in sunscreen. Jeebus, it was HOT!!! Lucky for us, we scored and found three chaises right next to each other. There we toasted ourselves nicely until I couldn’t take it anymore and had to start moving around. Okay, so yeah, I can get a little antsy from time to time. Anyway, when we figured out that the singular waitress serving the area we were in wasn’t going to be able to take our lunch orders anytime within the foreseeable future, we walked over to the café, where we waited in line for probably 30-40 minutes to get lunch. And yeah, it was HOT waiting in line. Having procured lunch, we find a nice table in the shade where we eat and then sit for probably an hour and a half.
After lunch we head back out to our lounge chairs in the sun, hang there for another hour or so and then decide to check out some of the other pools. The stinky sulfur pools were the ones I wanted to check out since I’d heard the sulfur, while stinky, was good for muscle aches, and I was feeling somewhat sore from dance practice the night before. But, no luck all the sulfur tubs were occupied. Instead, we found a warm-tub (not quite a hot-tub) but it did have jets. There we sat until a spa employee kicked us out saying that pool was being shut down for some sort of maintenance. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Next, we to the Roman Bath; this was supposedly filled with salt water, but neither of us thought it actually was as we could smell chlorine. This pool/tub was quite hot and I didn’t last too long. Actually, I didn’t last because my face started burning; I think the sunscreen I put on my face was reacting to the chlorine and/or my skin. Whatever it was, it was uncomfortable and I was ready to hit the showers for real and get back into regular clothing.
As we were headed back to the lockers, we noticed that a spot had opened in the sulfur pools so, okay, we got in. And YES, it was kinda stinky, but not as bad as I’d expected and you soon get over it. We stayed in maybe 10-15 minutes.
Leaving the sulfur pools, we all headed back to the locker room to take real showers; Irene and I would be leaving afterwards while Genie was going to have a massage and hang out until the spa closed.
I had a really nice time spending the day with them, although it would have been nice if the other Dirty Girls were there too. I’d like to go back again, but I think I’d prefer to go back on a weekday when it, hopefully, won’t be as crowded. That was the biggest downside, there were a lot more people than I was expecting, and it made for usage of some of the amenities rather difficult, if not impossible.
All in all, I’d go back again, and hope to one day soon.
“A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference”
Personally, this statement makes perfect sense to me. In fact, I believe that I try to live this way, considering others, regularly. Being human, I’m not perfect and in that, I’m sure that I don’t always do it. So perhaps it’s not completely fair for me to say what I’m about to say, but I’ve been feeling the need to say it anyway. So here goes:
I try to think about others, their feelings, their desires, their situations, when I do things that could affect them. However, I don’t feel that I am afforded the same courtesy from people who are supposedly my friends. Several times recently I’ve been let-down by people around me. This in-turn causes a great deal of internal conflict for me.
Generally, if/when I hurt someone whom I care about, I make every effort possible to right the situation, whether it’s via apology, a change in my behavior, or some other appropriate modification; I do it because I care, because I feel bad for having inflicted pain, or stress, and because I feel that the people I care about are worth these efforts.
My conflict is this: most of the time, I don’t feel that I am afforded the same courtesy from people around me. Whenever this happens, I find myself flip-flopping back and forth between thinking that I care too much and I should perhaps go with an attitude of: F-it… why should I care how people feel, they obviously don’t care enough about me to do anything to try to make me feel better; and then, there’s the other side which keeps me thinking that if I just keep loving these people for who they are, they’ll do the same for me. Where do I draw the line?
I don’t expect money or gifts, I expect mutual respect. If I hurt you, I will try to fix it, if you hurt me, you should do the same for me. Is that too much to ask for? Seriously, is it? Because these days, it certainly feels like it is, and I’m growing more and more disillusioned by these experiences. It’s really difficult to keep looking for the good, hoping for the best, putting forth effort when I feel alone.
I can’t possibly have the only mother who taught me that it’s not nice to hurt others. Or can I?
…says my doctor to me before i leave her office today.
To which I reply with a “no”
Well, as it turns out, he and his wife have had a baby (boy) and I guess he’s just over a year old now. Congrats to them, I hope they are happy.
Correction: I hope she (wifey) and the baby are happy. I fear he treats her in much the same way he treated me. And most know…that was bad.
He (shall remain nameless) has a history of relationships that don’t last more than about 7 years, and the girls keep getting younger:
The one before me lasted about 7 years before she wised-up and left his ass; they were engaged and he was 3 years older than her.
Then there’s me. We lasted about 7 years too, we were together for 3 when we got engaged and married (3 month engagement). The marriage lasted 4 years and 3 months when I finally escaped* (see About Fast Her for explanation of ‘escape’). We were married, obviously, and he was 7 years older than me.
Now there’s this one. Let’s see, our divorce was final in September of 2001, they were married in January of 2003 (New Years, I think). She’s 11 years younger than he is. He’s 40 now.
My prediction was that he’d have to have a baby with this one so that he could keep her around for longer than the 7 year mark. I left him in September of 2000, they were together by March of 2001 (maybe before, but that’s when I met her). So, if the baby is about a year old, my prediction was pretty right-on…at least in terms of timing.
As I said before, I hope she and the baby are happy as I fear he hasn’t changed much. However, if he has changed and treats her well, I hope that they as a collective family unit are happy and that they have a healthy and loving future.
As for me, I am not regrettful one single bit that we divorced. That period of my life propelled me to look inwards, learn about myself, and work towards becoming a stronger, more independent woman. If not for that time of my life, I may not have been so driven to finish my BA, nor to move on to a Master’s. I also don’t think I would have ever gotten into riding motorcycles, something which I love and cannot imagine not doing. There are many things I’ve experienced since then that I can easily attribute to the drive I felt to change my situation. If not for that situation, I quite possibly may have never done any of those things.
I’m mostly happy…most of the time. So again, congratulations!
This March, my team and I will be swing dancing for 24 hours straight at a charity event called the 24 Hour Cancer Dance-a-thon. It’s a 24 hour swing dance that takes place the second weekend in March in Orange County, California. All profits from the event go directly to cancer research and treatment at The City of Hope Hospital ( http://www.cityofhope.org ). I invite you to participate with me or to make a donation on my behalf to this worthy cause!
I am trying to raise at least $500.00. I have currently raised $125.00
My Dance-A-Thon team’s name is Memories Swingers. Together, we are trying to raise $10,000.00. We have currently raised $1,322.00
Your donation is 100% tax deductible and donations can be as little or as much as you are able to contribute! All of the bands, teachers, dj’s, performers, participants, board members, and venue are volunteers. Amazing!
About the event:
The 24 Hour Cancer Dance-A-Thon is an annual swing dance event that raises funds for cancer research and treatment at The City of Hope. Its inaugural event in November 2005 succeeded in raising over $52,000 - an amazing figure for a first year fundraiser. Last year swing dancers raised over $100,000 to fight cancer! Participants in the Dance-a-thon form teams of 15 to 29 people. Throughout the 24 hour period of the event, each team is responsible for keeping at least one of its members on the floor and dancing at all times. Participants like me are responsible for raising funds for the event. The event features a variety of live swing bands, free dance lessons from world class swing dance instructors, performances, and social swing dancing!
Help out as much as you can, but a donation of at least $50 gets you entrance into the event as a spectator. Come enjoy the live bands and dance performances, participate in the dance lessons, and help save lives!
Interested in being more than a donor or spectator? Go to http://www.danceathon.org and register as a participant!
we finished up the 6 week series of the runaround sue routine, we need more practice, but here’s a video BV took one day while some of us were practicing… it’s just one of the run-throughs so we’ve definitely got issues, but it’s not horrible and essex seemed relatively pleased with our progress. btw: please pardon BV’s silliness at the end of the video, sometimes he just can’t help himself…
a year ago, this weekend, my life was very different. i was thinking about that today…well actually, for the last few days. mostly, things in my life are better. i’m thankful for all that my life has been blessed with and i only hope that my effect on people is positive, supportive, and nurturing.